Supporting Our Children (and Ourselves) During COVID-19/Coronavirus

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Supporting our Children (and Ourselves) During COVID-19/Coronavirus and other Stressful Times Q&A

Q: What can I do to manage my own stress and help my children manage the stress they are having? Is it possible my child is feeling stressed even if they aren’t showing it?

We all can step back and recognize that we are in a situation that is likely to come with heightened stress for all of us. That stress is going to come out in lots of different ways for children and adults alike. Children are carrying their own heightened stress AND they pick up on our stress as well. At this time, we might also be short on sleep and out of our normal routines. With all of that, we’re more likely to be in that “fight, flight, or freeze” mode and that can lead us to say things we don’t mean or act in ways we don’t feel good about. That’s true for children and adults. When things aren’t going our way (e.g., we ask our child kindly to turn off the TV, but they don’t respond), we might try to express ourselves in a quiet or calm way first, but then escalate to yelling or reacting strongly when we don’t feel heard. Our children do this too. Sometimes they ask for something but don’t feel heard or they don’t know how to express what they need so it comes out in bigger ways like tantrums.

Other ways that stress might come out in children:

Tantrums
More tears
Heightened reactions to situations that seem like they should be “no big deal”
Difficulty sleeping
Changes in long-standing patterns
Regression (e.g., bathroom accidents)
Unusual responses to everyday activities (e.g., a child refusing to do something they do every day with no problem)
Children asking for help on things they usually do on their own
Children needing more time to complete tasks or learning activities than they might normally need

Remember - It’s okay to feel stressed at this time, too. A little stress can help us respond more quickly in a crisis. A little stress helps us jump to action! A little stress can help us perform better and juggle all that we’re juggling across remote work and home life. A lot of stress, however, makes it harder to be our best selves, harder to be the professional we want to be, and harder to be the parents we want to be. Taking care of ourselves - even in little ways or for a few minutes at a time - can make a big difference.

Strategies for managing our own stress (parents/adults):

Try these self-care strategies to take care of yourself throughout the day. Remember that your stress impacts your child and your ability to respond to your child in a calm way.

Recognize how your body feels throughout the day - is your heart rate up or down? Is your breathing fast or slow? Are you tense or relaxed? Take a moment to check in with yourself.
Take a few deep breaths and see if you can bring yourself to a calmer state. Think about what you can do for yourself throughout the day to manage stress. What works for you?
Take a walk or work out (while maintaining social distancing).
Get into a routine where you are getting enough sleep.
Try to make healthy eating choices as much as possible.
Stay socially connected with family and friends on the phone or through video chats.
Read a book (even for a few minutes).
Step out into nature or look out the window.
Reflect on what you feel thankful for you in your life.
Start a journal and spend time reflecting on what went well each day.

Recognize that you’re not alone in this! We are experiencing a global crisis and this is impacting ALL families across our state and beyond. There are parenting resources available to support you on your journey, for example:

The Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative (OPEC) is a partnership between OSU and four Foundations (Oregon Community Foundation, The Ford Family Foundation, Meyer Memorial Trust, and the Collins Foundation). OPEC hubs supports a network of parenting hubs around the state of Oregon and in Siskiyou County, California. You can follow OPEC on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/OPECParentingEd/ for resources on how to talk with children about COVID-19, ideas for activities at home, and to access free online parenting workshops and classes as they become available.

Strategies for helping children manage their stress/emotions:

Validate your own and your child’s feelings. Let children know all of their feelings are okay! “It’s okay to feel disappointed. I’m sad too that we can’t go. Do you want to talk about it?” Allow your child a chance to share their feelings while you listen without trying to solve the problem. It’s okay to feel disappointed and it’s okay to spend time grieving the loss of time with family and friends or missed experiences.
Offer children a way to express their feelings. So often we jump to helping children change their feelings, especially unpleasant feelings (e.g., “Don’t cry. Calm down. Let’s do something to feel happy!”). Instead of trying to change your child’s feelings, help them learn healthy ways to express those feelings first (e.g., “Sometimes when I’m disappointed, I like to listen to talk about my feelings or just listen to music quietly. Do you think you would like to do that right now? What would be most helpful to you?”).
Brainstorm strategies for your child to shift their feelings when they are ready. You might ask children, “Do you want to hold on to your disappointed feelings or are you ready to change how you are feeling?” When your child is ready, brainstorm ways to shift your feelings. Listen to music. Read a book together. Take a walk. Exercise. Draw a picture.
Acknowledge that it’s okay for feelings to come and go. Even after going through these steps, recognize that your child’s feelings might come back and that’s okay! Working through feelings of disappointment doesn’t mean that your child won’t think about a situation again. They likely will and when that happens, go through these steps again. It takes time to process our feelings.
Use storybooks and/or movies to talk through feelings. Feelings are happening all around us all the time. Using storybooks or movies that we watch together to talk through feelings can help children practice these strategies outside of emotionally-charged moments!

When we have moments we don’t feel good about (e.g., our stress gets the better of us!)- do repair work. Here are strategies for how to reconnect:

When we do have moments where we react in a way we don’t feel good about, we can use those as teaching moments with our children. After calming ourselves and our children down, come back to the conversation.

Take a break and return to the issue or challenge at a time when you and your child are both feeling calmer.
Let your child know that you don’t feel good about what you said or did (“I’m really sorry that I yelled earlier. I shouldn’t have done that.”).
Without blaming, let your child know how you were feeling (“I felt really frustrated when I asked you to clean up your room. When you didn’t answer, I thought you were ignoring me.”).
Ask your child how they were feeling.
Share with your child what you wished you would have done differently and involve them in problem-solving what they could have done differently as well.

Going through this process helps teach your child that we all have feelings and that’s okay. We don’t make good choices all the time - none of us do. But coming back together and talking through our feelings and what we can do differently next time can help our children learn to do the same.

Here are articles with strategies for helping children manage big emotions at any time!

Here are some additional resources specific to COVID-19/coronavirus:

Q: How do you explain to little ones what “social distancing” means? Why people are wearing masks?

Be honest and use language your child will understand. Let children know what is happening and why. Very young children (infants, toddlers, and young preschoolers) may not understand why they can’t go to school or child care or see friends and family members. They may also feel unsettled by changes in family routines or nervous about seeing people wearing masks. Share your inner thoughts out loud. Explain to children what is happening and why. Let them know that we are being helpers - that there is a disease called the coronavirus (or COVID-19) that can make people sick. Most children don’t get very sick from the coronavirus, but even if they don’t get sick, they might be able to pass the virus to other people. We are staying home to make sure the disease doesn’t get passed around and make people we care about - our family and community - sick. Everyone is doing this to be a helper for one another. People are wearing masks so that if they have the disease and they don’t know it, they won’t spread germs to other people. That helps keep us all healthy.
Even if children are not able to understand your words, explain out loud anyway. children look at their parents for cues as to how to respond in any given situation. If you use words to explain what you see and why, your calm tone of voice will be reassuring to your child. Talking with children and youth about what we are doing and why boosts their understanding of the situation and can help them feel safe and build their critical thinking skills.
Talk with children and youth about the importance of washing our hands and social distancing. Practicing healthy habits to take care of our bodies (washing hands, making healthy eating choices, exercising, getting enough sleep) are all important. Practice strategies together and also talk about why these strategies are so important - for ourselves and for protecting the health of others. (See the list of resources below about talking with children about COVID-19). This same strategy (talking about what we are doing and why) applies to all aspects of our lives, including in the way we talk about our feelings. Sharing our feelings and talking about how to manage them is important for our social-emotional wellbeing.
Consider talking with your children about how you are feeling and give them the chance to talk about their feelings, too. Share your own feelings in a developmentally-appropriate way. Very young children may have a hard time understanding everything that is happening and, as parents, we may not want to overwhelm them with all of the details and particularly with the unknown. It’s still okay to share our feelings though. As a parent, letting your child know that you feel worried or afraid, let’s them know that their feelings are okay too. It is especially important, however, to let your child know what you are doing to manage those feelings so that your child can have strategies too (e.g., “I’m feeling worried because I don’t know what is going to happen. You know what helps me when I feel worried? First, I love getting a big hug from you. That helps me calm my worries. Then I think about all of the things we are doing to stay healthy and keep other people healthy. Can you think of what those things are?“).
Focus on what we know and what we are doing to keep our bodies healthy and safe and to keep other people safe.
Reassure children that they are with their family (or caregivers) who care about them.
Talk about what we can do to be a helper at this time.

Not knowing how to help navigate children through a new challenge is something parents experience all the time. New issues are constantly coming up along with new technologies. Our children face struggles that are different from those we experienced growing up and our children have different personalities than we do so even when they face similar challenges, they experience them in different ways. Parents are always kept on their toes trying to figure out how to support their children best. This situation is so unusual because we’re experiencing a new and unpredictable challenge in a GLOBAL way and it’s impacting everyone - children, youth, and adults. We’re all going through it at the same time and we are all experiencing uncertainty, fear, stress, and disappointment together.

This also means that we have the opportunity to reach out and gain support from one another. We can join online parenting groups to learn from other parents. We can follow organizations that are offering online resources. We can connect remotely (phone or video) with friends and family and brainstorm together. We can grow by finding strength in one another.

We might also take time everyday to practice gratitude and talk about what we feel grateful for.

And finally, we can also brainstorm ways that we can be a helper. Keeping ourselves and others we care about healthy is one way to be a helper. Calling or video-chatting with friends and relatives is another way we can stay connected and bring joy to other people (and ourselves). What else can we do to help our family and others in our community?

Ideas for connecting with your young child during this time/family activities

As you and your children adjust to new patterns at home, be forgiving of yourself. You may not feel equipped to teach your child everything you think they should learn, but keep in mind that learning never stops. Every moment that we connect with a child matters. These moments are a chance to teach new vocabulary, share how we think about the world, model strategies for how to manage emotional ups and downs, practice problem-solving skills, and think creatively. With what you have at home and a focus on connection, you can help your children feel loved just being who they are and that may be the most important lesson we can share with our children any day. Below is a list of bulleted strategies that are explained in this article: https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/learning-at-home-5-steps-to-plan-your-day

Establish a family routine, but stay flexible as needed.
Set manageable daily family goals.
Use what you have on hand.
Make learning part of the conversation.
Have realistic expectations for your child and yourself!

Additional resources:

Additional links to activities for at-home: